Joke Thread

We needed a joke thread so I'll start it off.




A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."


She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.


She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?


The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"


He replies,"Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note mustdo more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

OMG...the "man's" list was hilarious !!!

I'm still laughing at #2 and #12

c/thru wrote:

OMG...the "man's" list was hilarious !!!

I'm still laughing at #2 and #12

It's so true!

Giada wrote:

c/thru wrote:

OMG...the "man's" list was hilarious !!!

I'm still laughing at #2 and #12

It's so true!

It's funny, but true? Not here.

Joebert wrote:

Giada wrote:

c/thru wrote:

OMG...the "man's" list was hilarious !!!

I'm still laughing at #2 and #12

It's so true!

It's funny, but true? Not here.

For which one - man or woman? I think they're both pretty accurate and funny.

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."