| | Children's Bible | |
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Dumbo
Location : my desk Hobbies : yes / no Humor : bad Number of posts : 56 pennies : 0 Rep : 0
| Subject: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:31 am | |
| A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
It makes one think.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. | |
| | | KK
Location : New York Super Powers : poastwhore Number of posts : 8316 pennies : 7853 Rep : 354
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:42 am | |
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| | | Alberta Boy
Age : 63 Location : little town south Of calgary Hobbies : Carpenter/Rugby Ref-player/former scuba instructor/D2 addict (mostly cured - look out for D3 though) Humor : the quick quip and the surprise ending Super Powers : can fold fitted sheets Number of posts : 425 pennies : 160 Rep : 15
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:47 am | |
| I would almost bet this wasn't written by a child. It is way too encapsulating and sophisticated.
Want a child's take on the bible - when she was about ten, my daughter had fit one day when I said something about Jesus dying. In shock she said "The Baby Jesus died!?!?" I answered "Yes after he grew up, he was hung on the Cross. You know that!" She looked relieved, and said "Oh, good then." And went about her business.
Adult Jesus dyng was no big deal to her, Baby Jesus on the other had would have been tragic. I am not sure before that moment, she had actually mentally connected Baby Jesus, and Jesus as the same person. | |
| | | Joebert
Age : 63 Location : @ Computer Hobbies : Sleep/Photography Humor : Seinfeld (show) has it all! Super Powers : Faster than a speeding bulet...is that bad? Number of posts : 3905 pennies : 3262 Rep : 97
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:25 am | |
| - Alberta Boy wrote:
- I would almost bet this wasn't written by a child. It is way too encapsulating and sophisticated.
Want a child's take on the bible - when she was about ten, my daughter had fit one day when I said something about Jesus dying. In shock she said "The Baby Jesus died!?!?" I answered "Yes after he grew up, he was hung on the Cross. You know that!" She looked relieved, and said "Oh, good then." And went about her business.
Adult Jesus dyng was no big deal to her, Baby Jesus on the other had would have been tragic. I am not sure before that moment, she had actually mentally connected Baby Jesus, and Jesus as the same person. I agree that was no tille kid writting that. At least no little kid I know of. | |
| | | Dumbo
Location : my desk Hobbies : yes / no Humor : bad Number of posts : 56 pennies : 0 Rep : 0
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:14 am | |
| - Quote :
- I agree that was no tille kid writting that. At least no little kid I know of.
No matter who wrote it, my wife was laughing through the whole thing and it gave me a few laughs as well. Didn't really care if it got past snopes. | |
| | | c/thru
Blurts : What is this decade called ? Location : almost Mile High Hobbies : Freedom Tracker Humor : floating under a delicate layer of apathy Super Powers : can turn water into ice Number of posts : 3049 pennies : 3303 Rep : 123
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:24 am | |
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| | | Giada
Location : Happy Hour Humor : Good Number of posts : 2011 pennies : 2069 Rep : 154
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 7:14 pm | |
| - Dumbo wrote:
-
- Quote :
- I agree that was no tille kid writting that. At least no little kid I know of.
No matter who wrote it, my wife was laughing through the whole thing and it gave me a few laughs as well. Didn't really care if it got past snopes. As a former CCD teacher, I cracked up while reading this. It wouldn't surprise me if a 4th or 5th grader wrote that. No matter, it was hilarious. | |
| | | KK
Location : New York Super Powers : poastwhore Number of posts : 8316 pennies : 7853 Rep : 354
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 02, 2009 8:49 pm | |
| - Alberta Boy wrote:
- I would almost bet this wasn't written by a child. It is way too encapsulating and sophisticated.
Want a child's take on the bible - when she was about ten, my daughter had fit one day when I said something about Jesus dying. In shock she said "The Baby Jesus died!?!?" I answered "Yes after he grew up, he was hung on the Cross. You know that!" She looked relieved, and said "Oh, good then." And went about her business.
Adult Jesus dyng was no big deal to her, Baby Jesus on the other had would have been tragic. I am not sure before that moment, she had actually mentally connected Baby Jesus, and Jesus as the same person. more than likely not. to many points were highlighted | |
| | | Joebert
Age : 63 Location : @ Computer Hobbies : Sleep/Photography Humor : Seinfeld (show) has it all! Super Powers : Faster than a speeding bulet...is that bad? Number of posts : 3905 pennies : 3262 Rep : 97
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Tue Feb 03, 2009 1:48 am | |
| - KK wrote:
- Alberta Boy wrote:
- I would almost bet this wasn't written by a child. It is way too encapsulating and sophisticated.
Want a child's take on the bible - when she was about ten, my daughter had fit one day when I said something about Jesus dying. In shock she said "The Baby Jesus died!?!?" I answered "Yes after he grew up, he was hung on the Cross. You know that!" She looked relieved, and said "Oh, good then." And went about her business.
Adult Jesus dyng was no big deal to her, Baby Jesus on the other had would have been tragic. I am not sure before that moment, she had actually mentally connected Baby Jesus, and Jesus as the same person. more than likely not. to many points were highlighted But it was funny... | |
| | | Wallstone
Location : Central Maryland Hobbies : marine biology/architecture Humor : You be the judge Number of posts : 1000 pennies : 869 Rep : 41
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:30 am | |
| - Alberta Boy wrote:
- I would almost bet this wasn't written by a child. It is way too encapsulating and sophisticated.
Agreed | |
| | | KK
Location : New York Super Powers : poastwhore Number of posts : 8316 pennies : 7853 Rep : 354
| Subject: Re: Children's Bible Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:22 pm | |
| - Joebert wrote:
- KK wrote:
- Alberta Boy wrote:
- I would almost bet this wasn't written by a child. It is way too encapsulating and sophisticated.
Want a child's take on the bible - when she was about ten, my daughter had fit one day when I said something about Jesus dying. In shock she said "The Baby Jesus died!?!?" I answered "Yes after he grew up, he was hung on the Cross. You know that!" She looked relieved, and said "Oh, good then." And went about her business.
Adult Jesus dyng was no big deal to her, Baby Jesus on the other had would have been tragic. I am not sure before that moment, she had actually mentally connected Baby Jesus, and Jesus as the same person. more than likely not. to many points were highlighted But it was funny... that it was | |
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